It’s 10 to 2, and all the fit blogs are taken…..

by forzabahab

Can I Get A Twitness?

OK, I wasn’t going to go back over this, but some #twittersilence housekeeping….

Rape is illegal, as is making any kind of threat about it. It was last Saturday, and it still is now. Twitter has rules about these things. They haven’t changed either. The protest, which started out as a lap of cyber honour of self-regarding backslapping and morphed into a ridiculous circle jerk of blue ticked smugness, did throw up a rare shard of humour amongst the whole affair.

On Saturday night a well-known (and in my view very talented) columnist who had elbowed herself to the front of the queue to be noticed backing the bandwagon lend herself to the movement in a Mandelaesque fashion decided to get liquored up and share her vinegar strokes of self-satisfaction with the world. People decided, not unreasonably, to ask her if she was sure that this wasn’t a pointless exercise. Big mistake.

We were then treated to several sneering, head pattingly crass replies during which a fellow journalist was openly laughed at for working for what she clearly considered an inferior paper. Bloggers were effectively dismissed (“read more in my column tomorrow. Oh! I have a column and you only have a blog”), as well as ‘no-name eggs with a couple of followers’ who in her head were clearly too dumb to understand it all and so should just shut up.

The #twittersilence achieved nothing. There would have been more point in demanding a recount from the Harare North West returning officer. Their get out is that a debate was started, which is true. Unfortunately for them the debate is entitled Exactly Who The Fuck Do You Think You Are Talking To Me Like That?

Actually, it may have got a few clever men who latched onto it to impress the left leaning work colleague with the whole Palin/Fey sexy librarian thing going on laid. So, there’s that.

Oh, and mentions from any of them so far about the 12 year old girl gang raped in London recently? Fuck all.

I wonder if she’d choose to give away a voice if she’d ever been lucky enough to have one….

Make It Stop, Seriously

In other news, the #98% march on with their campaign to rid the football terraces of any wit, intelligence, or decorum, which I’m calling Occupy Wally Street. When Spurs run out for their friendly on Saturday this is the uplifting roar that will drive the team on to glory.

You put your Bale bid in
Your best bid out
In, out, in, out
His agent is a tout

You do the Daniel Levy and you scream and shout
That’s what it’s all about

Oh Daniel Daniel Levy
Oh Daniel Daniel Levy
Oh Daniel Daniel Levy

That’s what he’s all about.

Couple of things. Firstly, if that doesn’t make him fuck off to Madrid I don’t know what will. And secondly, maybe the Report Abuse button could actually be useful after all….

Undercover Self Lover

So, lads’ mags. Do me a favour and set aside your moral standpoint for a minute.

About 15 years ago someone, who for our purposes was a fat stripey suited City type with a big monocle and cigar, decided that 15 year old boys liked knocking one out too, and fame hungry actresses (especially from Hollyoaks for some reason), pop stars, glamour models, and tv presenters in their early twenties were much easier to persuade to disrobe than was generally thought. It helped to seal the deal when it was pointed out to them that once a teenage kid has spilt his baby gravy to a picture of them they’d buy any old shite they put their name to. It is a genius business model, mainly because there is an unlimited never ending supply of hormone crazed Clearisil receptacles and gullible stunners, so there will always be supply and demand.

OK, you can bring the morals back into the room.

Now I won’t lie to you. I like women’s bodies. Not ski mask and knife like, more wear shades when walking down the street in summer. I stopped looking at porn years ago, not on some kind of moral grounds, but that I found it unspeakably boring. Now having no strong feelings about these kind of publications or indeed page 3 (although why someone would pay to see a topless woman in a paper when they’re all over the internet for nothing is beyond me, but that’s just simple economics) I’ve been interested in the stance of various retailers towards the front covers of lads’ mags in their stores.

Every straight man reading this, married, single, ‘it’s complicated’, whatever, has had a sly look at the covers while buying something in the newsagents. Anyone who claims differently is lying ladies. Apparently this is wrong according to shops like the Co-Op, but it’s ok for them to take the money for them if you want to buy one. It’s this kind of half arsed morality that makes the Germans keep thinking they can have a go frankly. The usual suspects who speak up against what they see as sexist exploitative material were performing verbal gymnastics on the radio and TV the other day, to justify this weak halfway house of a measure against their avowed intent to see the shelves cleared. To be honest the reason they’re having trouble is because the position is untenable. Lads’ mags are either ok for people to buy and read, or they should be banned. Covering up the cover won’t stop young men thinking about young women naked. Frankly a nuclear apocalypse won’t stop it either, so what chance has a bit of dark paper got?

Essentially they want to keep feminists happy, while simultaneously raking lots of lovely money. It’s a policy as brittle as a sixth former’s ‘special’ sock. Time to shit or get off the pot people.

It’s A Myth

Alright, let’s do some maths. Don’t worry, I’ll actually be doing it, you’ll just be reading.

You know when you end up stuck in a conversation with an absolute tool, someone you know is so wrong you’re considering jamming a pint glass through their throat just to shut them up? Don’t lie, we’ve all been there. Well now you can have some actual facts to bitch slap them into oblivion with. Let’s take two myths, and bust them wide open, with SCIENCE.

Myth 1

The welfare state is buckling under the weight of scroungers and people conning the system.

Okay, there are many stats for this on the web, but what we really need is a source that if anything will put forward figures that backs it up. Step forward our chums at the Daily Mail, who stated recently that welfare payments, not including the bill for the state pension, account for 22.4 per cent of income tax paid. We need another number to compare that to, so according to a DWP Press release in May 2013 0.7%, or £1.2bn, of total benefit expenditure is overpaid due to fraud.

So for every pound you pay in income tax, 22.4p goes to paying some kind of benefit.

And of that, exactly 0.7% of 22.4p is paid out to fraudulent claims.

Or 0.1568p out of every pound

Hardly the tsunami of lazy thieving fucks that they’d have you believe is it?

Don’t worry if you’re some drooling gin soaked right wing fuckpost, your beloved royal family features in…

Myth 2

The royal family costs too much; they are parasites and a drain on society.

Again, let’s look to a source with an agenda. I think you’ll find that, a website dedicated to seeing the back of The Firm, will be ideal. Their estimated total annual cost of the monarchy to taxpayers is £202.4m, around five times the official figure published by the royal household (£38.3m last year). OK then, according to the Office of National Statistics on census night 2011, the population of the United Kingdom (UK) was estimated to be 63.2 million.

Right then, so that’s £202.4m, divided by 63.2m.

Or a smidge over £3.20 per person.

I’ve paid more than that for a half of Stella. Mind you, I did feel I had to then ask what time the strippers came on, the thieving Covent Garden fuckers.

Anyway, that’s one to throw out to your earnest republican student type. Who’s actually 34.

Bit weird how your preconceptions can be challenged by some actual facts rather than dogma and rhetoric isn’t it?

Anyway, if you’ve enjoyed this please join me at @BAHAB2012 for more sweary opinionated crap. If you haven’t go to @piersmorgan and see if he gives a fuck……