by forzabahab

No, I’m Not Sharing, Order Your Own Fucking Chips

FriggatriskaidekaphobiaThe fear of Friday The 13th (named after “Frigg”, the Norse goddess whom Friday is named after and “triskaidekaphobia”, which means the fear of “13”.)

It’s a thing. Sufferers don’t want to make it into a thing, but there you go. People cry off from work, some don’t leave the house, a few don’t even get out of bed. It’s worse than when people realised Lost had been taking the piss for all those years. Crippling. Unlike Lost though, everyone has to live through it, just not every bloody week. There’s only one left this year, in December.

The superstition goes all the way back to biblical tales. Events that supposedly occurred on a Friday include the great flood during the time of Noah, the confusion of languages at the Tower of Babel, the day Jesus Christ died, and the day Eve tempted Adam with the apple. Given the success of plus size retailers like Very and Curvissa if she’d been about today there’d be no tempting though, because she’d have dipped it in toffee and eaten it. Simply Be? Simply scoffed more like.

Ladies, here’s a question for you. Why is it, do you think, that supermodels always look so miserable? Is it because…

They’re arriving at the same conclusion as Confucius, when he pondered the futility of human existence and argued that the hardest thing of all is to find a black cat in a dark room, especially if there is no cat? Or…

They’re fucking starving?

Women have finally decided that trying to starve themselves into unnatural sizes and poor health. They’ve realised that fashion models are the shape they are because fashion designers want them to make their clothes look good. This means curves are out (you know, the bits that make women’s bodies interesting), and looking like two grapes on an ironing board is in. Let me let you into a secret ladies.

No man, ever, in the entire history of men wanting to sleep with women, has ever taken a look at a potential mate and thought ‘you know what? she’s half a stone overweight. I think I’ll give it a miss.’

Yeah you would. Don't lie to yourself. Two pints, max

Yeah you would. Don’t lie to yourself. Two pints, max

So the next time you’re out on a date complaining out loud about your cellulite and other body issues, real and imagined, fishing for compliments, and it looks like your date is listening attentively and offering reassuring words to massage your ego, stop wasting your time and denying yourself. Enjoy your body and life, and be healthy, and have the chips instead of the salad. Feminism and saturated fat; it’s what The Female Eunuch is all about. Or so I’m told anyway. You’ll feel better, certainly less miserable, and anyway he’s really thinking ‘For the love of God stop moaning woman. Either get down the gym or shut the f*ck up you needy bitch’. Not the way you’d like your date to go I’m sure.

And besides, as the next item will show, there are plenty of men who aren’t necessarily looking for a willowy six foot coke hoover….

This One’s Called ‘Streets Of London’

A man has been jailed for six weeks after he admitted having sex with a goat. Seriously, I’m not kidding….

The goat, who cannot be named for legal reasons. Plus the fact it's a fucking goat and is highly unlikely to answer to any name you call it by.

The goat, who cannot be named for legal reasons. Plus the fact it’s a fucking goat and is highly unlikely to answer to any name you call it by.

Robert Newman, 23, assaulted the animal in a barn in Devizes, Wiltshire in April. North West Wiltshire Magistrates’ Court heard the bout of, well, the opposite of sweet sweet love down by the fireplace had left the goat needing veterinary treatment.

The prosecution had to read a victim impact statement on behalf of the goat – for obvious reasons.* It read: “This person has cost us a considerable amount of money because we have had to install security cameras. We have also had to pay for vet’s fees and antibiotics for the injuries sustained by the goat. And the therapy; oh sweet Lord the therapy”.

In mitigation the defence barrister told the court Newman’s actions were a “symptom of isolation rather than depravity”.

So Ladies, how can you tell me you’re lonely?

And finally….

The next time someone asks you if you know any really big numbers don’t launch into I Am What I Am. Instead offer them 115,109.

That’s the number of people who piled into The Big House, the home of the Michigan Wolverines, to watch last Saturday’s football game against Notre Dame, which the Wolverines won 41-30. It set the record for the highest attendance at a college football game.

In contrast, when I played football for my University there was a recorded attendance of 14, and I was related to 3 of them.

And really finally….

Russian warships are en route to the Syrian coast. The current generation might hear “Bay of Pigs” and think it’s the Kardashians.

Well they do like to hog the limelight…..**

*She’d forgotten her reading glasses
**The set up for this gag is courtesy of @MrAlanSpencer