#28 Tastemakers Of the World Unite

by forzabahab

So the NME Awards heave themselves over the horizon, revving themselves up to shock for shock’s sake with all the enthusiasm of a bloated whore touting for her last £20 blowjob before the weekend. According to their Twitter feed their latest jape is to announce the nominees for the musical moment of 2013, including the release of Pussy Riot from prison and the release of Morrissey’s autobiography.
Now without wishing to be rude to the skinny jeaned shit bearded wankshafts at this august publication I’m drawn to wonder if either they don’t know what the word ‘musical’ means, or are on a fucking wind up. I mean, I have no idea what they sound like. They could be the Russian version of Haim (who are shit but TERRIBLY NME friendly) or they could sound like Quint’s nails being dragged down that blackboard in Jaws.
Whichever is true them getting let out of jail is not a musical moment. At best it’s a bunch of Russians you’d never heard of before getting a bit of publicity moment.
Mind you, even if you don’t know what’s in the full list of nominations it’s become even clearer lately that the NME is little more than a tabloid for vaguely alternative hipsters and suburban idiots who think Camden is a Mecca of music and fashion and being cool.
The reality is it’s full of Somalian drug dealers, over-officious bouncers, the odd good bar and club, and hordes of rheumy ironic t-shirted Northern turds sweeping like wildebeest across the Serengeti that is Hawley Crescent, giddy with dreams of Damon Albarn discovering their jingly jangly emotionally constipated indie tunes. All they’re actually managing to do is cram up the pubs and stop me getting to the fucking bar, making me the real victim in all of this.
It exists solely to build up and knock down bands. Normally their crime is to sell a lot of records due to being championed by the NME, which is as close to a working definition of a Catch 22 situation as you can get. Their treatment of Morrissey since 1992 for example, when he came on stage draped in the Union Flag has been hilarious. It’s as if everything previously never happened, and he went from bedroom romanticism personified to a spittle flecked BNP sympathiser overnight.
They announced solemnly that they would no longer carry any content that pertained to him or The Smiths in the future because they had decided he was a racist. Of course, because enough of their readership is of sound mind no one gave a fuck and kept buying his records and watching him in concert. They spent the 90s looking increasingly like America dealing (or not) with Cuba. Everyone else is going there, having a great time, while they’re sat at home having a cry wank listening to an old Fields of The Nephelim cassette.
Eventually business sense (and probably a new not mentally ill editor) prevailed and they now carry news of his work. They do however pore over every utterance, desperate to reinforce their theory about his bigotry and uncover some racist undertone. Never comes to much. Now his fan community is up for an award. Load of hypocritical shit.
This year’s nominations (sponsored by Austin, Texas (what? a whole town?)) also feature, unsurprisingly, a list of all the bands they thought were great. Russell Brand is up for hero and villain of the year (he’s gone very quiet about that revolution since his tour finished hasn’t he? Must be tired the poor love). Muse get a nod as worst band of the year (they must have sold shitloads), and in an effort to remind us that they’re oh so radical and edgy David Cameron is up for villain of the year. Yeah.
The NME has been a joke for a long time, but as Simon Cowell tightens his grip on the music industry it is also becoming like a confused old man on pension day. He can’t find his glasses, the five pence pieces are fiddly, and of course the modern music is just a noise. They’re actually more conservative than the X Factor. At least there you get the occasional black face, and sometimes they get to win. At least the whole Beth Ditto practical joke they were running with seems to be over, although I fear that Haim may have been added in their place.
The usual array of whiny old shite is trotted out in late February. Yay.

Did you see that lying fat sack of shit Kelvin Mackenzie on Newsnight the other day? Apparently going down to Homebase every day to buy a fresh new shovel to dig yourself further into a two decades long lie about Hillsborough isn’t enough of a deterrent to tv producers. Seems they need him to stir up a bit of controversy despite his credibility being shot to pieces.
This time he was peddling some bullshit about how the attention that Benefits Street (a show designed to give the working poor someone to sneer at and the middle classes someone to blame for their rate of tax) is getting means that the news outlets should turn in on themselves and produce more stories about benefit cheats. His reasoning (yeah I know) continued that the public over here don’t care about atrocities around the world and groups like the BBC shouldn’t be in places like South Sudan, the CAR, or Darfur because it doesn’t mean anything.
Well apart from being expertly shot down by Alex Crawford of Sky News Mackenzie missed a big point about foreign news stories. They give us a window into the wider world, put our problems into some kind of perspective, and (possible crackpot theory alert) if they’d been around in the 1930s maybe, just maybe, the increased scrutiny on Hitler and his antics in the Jewish ghettos might have saved about fifty million lives and saved us from terrible movies that only get shown on rainy Sunday afternoons or New Year’s Day. Reason enough for more Kate Adie style daredevil acts I think.
Unfortunately for us we will be treated to the spectacle of Kelvin, a RAVING bullshit merchant, scuttling round London in taxis handing out sneering contempt to tv studio workers, and scripted trolling to order for simpering producers who think having him on is in some way edgy.
It’s gonna be a long eighteen months till the election gang….

A quick question; what the fuck is wrong with people?
It’s illegal to be gay in Nigeria, so some dick has decided that a man deserved 20 lashes after an Islamic court in the northern city of Bauchi convicted him of homosexual offences, which can be punished by stoning to death. Oh and apparently the judge said he took into account that the Muslim man, Mubarak Ibrahim, 20, carried out the acts seven years ago, and had stopped the practice.
Ibrahim apparently said he was relieved that the judge had been lenient on him and had not sentenced him to death. So fucking lenient, cheers. In Nigeria, homosexual acts are illegal under both Islamic and secular law and restrictions have been tightened, while all around the world these dark ages bullshit laws are being repealed. Look at this map to show you how fucked up Africa is on this issue.

Footballers hugging at goal celebrations will no doubt be a grey area

Footballers hugging at goal celebrations will no doubt be a grey area

Earlier this month, President Goodluck Jonathan (yeah, look, I know; let’s just get through this yeah?) signed into law a bill which bans same-sex marriages, gay groups and shows of same-sex public affection. The new legislation applies throughout Nigeria and to top it off states in the predominantly Muslim north of Nigeria have adopted Islamic law, known as Sharia, since the end of military rule in 1999, which kind of makes you wish for armed insurrection in a way that would give George Clooney paroxysms of guilt.
Along with Mr Ibrahim, 11 other Muslims and a Christian man were arrested last month accused by the authorities of being homosexuals. He was lashed with a whip, made of animal skin smeared with oil, on a bench, in front of a packed courtroom. Apparently he screamed in pain while being lashed, but was able to walk afterwards.
Look, don’t do your own jokes for God’s sake.
The trial of two other men was adjourned January 23rd. No pressure.
Nigeria is a deeply conservative country, mainly Christian in the south and with many Muslims in the north. Hostility towards gay people has escalated since parliament debated the Same-Sex Marriage Prohibition Act last year, with about 40 people being arrested in Bauchi state last month, and there have been reports of more arrests in both the north and south of Nigeria since the new law was approved. There must be some deliberately poorly dressed people wandering about round there, and ticket sales for musicals must be through the floor.
Ibrahim was also ordered to pay a fine of about $30 (£18). That’s about what I paid for my Jeremy Lin New York Knicks shirt, about three months before they fucking traded him. It’s hard to tell who got screwed worse, although considering he got whipped he’s favourite.
You have to wonder where this wellspring of hate comes from, especially from supposedly peaceful religious types. It’s almost as if they’re just petty evil little men (yeah, it’s almost always men) using an organised religion to impose their view of the world on others, on the pretext that God said it was ok…
Outraged? I am. I feel pretty silly after sending that money to that prince right about now. If I’d known he was a homophobe I’d have never replied to his email……
And finally…
When you’re out and about this weekend here’s a handy guide to help you avoid those tricky legal difficulties that drinking your bodyweight in lager can throw up (if you’ll pardon the phrase).