South Dakota

by forzabahab

What up fluffers? It’s been a while, but don’t hold that against me.

So what’s been going on then? Well firstly Wayne Rooney stopped leering down your nana’s top long enough to equal Sir Bobby Charlton’s England goalscoring record, and of course as is the way of these things opinion was divided as to its merit as an achievement.

Well on the one hand you can argue that Charlton’s tally was the more remarkable seeing as he got most of his goals from midfield. On the other there is the fact that while everyone’s favourite bald knight played with Moore, Peters, and Greaves Rooney has had to cart round the likes of Cahill, Milner, and Darren Bent. Honours even in my book.

What else? Oh yeah, on Sunday the Mirror ran a story straight out of Jeremy Kyle’s bargain bin, about a young woman who died while being hoisted from a hospital bed to a gurney. Yes, hoisted. Her mother described it as being a hairy moment as her daughter was scared of heights. In the hoist.

Now your social worker gets a lot of stick, what with Baby P and whatnot, but taking a FORTY STONE TEENAGER into care isn’t something we can be critical of. The parents were unable to get their child to stop eating apparently, presumably because telling her not to and not buying enough food to let her get to FORTY STONE was too much like hard work. Of course, clearly this kid had a ready supply of money coming in to support her gluttony, rendering the parents as impotent as UEFA enforcing financial fair play. Oh no, apparently she had a secret weapon.

It appears that when her parents tried to make her do something she didn’t want to, such as, er, PUTTING ON TWO STONE A YEAR EVERY YEAR UNTIL SHE DIED AGED TWENTY, she deployed her superpower.

She threw a tantrum.

Wait, what? A child? Throwing a tantrum? Fuck me, that’s a game changer. Imagine if every kid ever decided to do that. Parents would be properly snookered. How would they cope? It’s a conundrum she’s posing for sure.

Of course, it’s Social Services’ fault that she was doing an impression of a goose limbering up for fois gras season. Apparently she hated care so much she kept running away. Obviously she didn’t run very far, but still…..

I think you’ll go a long way before you find a more deserving candidate for compensation. I recommend sterilisation for both of them. Now that doesn’t sound very lucrative, but imagine the amount of money they’ll save not breeding and producing another fucking porker like that.


On we go. Oh yes, Syria.

There seems to be a bit of confusion about the rules regarding possessions you can take with you (and indeed own) when you’re a refugee, particularly about mobile phones. The problem seems to stem from what you’re photographed doing whilst running for your fucking life.

You see, when people in informal civil wars being waged by two sets of third world fuck knuckles find out that they are having the shit bombed out of them it’s normally too late to do anything but scrabble together your family and a few bits and bobs. Given most people attachment to them these days one of them is quite likely to be an iPhone.

Now clearly a lot of people living in the west have a laminated list of items sat by the door in case Cornwall suddenly decides to get shirty and it comes on top which make them look just the right amount of impoverished to any stray media types looking for an image of how the humanitarian disaster is playing out, and they are therefore perfectly entitled to complain when a refugee has the temerity to have a better phone than them. There is another school of thought though.

It’s the theory that after you’ve escaped with your kids and everything that you carry, and your house has been bombed flat and you don’t have access to the money you left behind in the bank, you might be stuck with a phone that indicated what disposable income you used to have.

Then when the contract expires you’ll obviously hand it in and swap it for a Nokia 8310, because that will keep those looking for any reason to be a tight fisted mean spirited cunt one less reason to want to send you back home.

It’s the world Steve Jobs was working towards.

And finally, sometimes there appears a story that is one thing at first glance, but quite another when you delve into it. For example, the Independent reported last week that a teenager in Texas has died after he fatally shot himself as he posed for a selfie with a gun. No no, not yet.

Family members have identified the man as Deleon Alonso Smith, who was apparently taking photographs with a gun at an apartment in southwest Houston when the firearm accidentally went off, police have said. Seriously, that’s not it.

The teenager died after the bullet pierced into his throat. The father-of-two was due to start college on Wednesday, according to his family.

OK, there it is. College? HE SHOT HIMSELF TAKING A SELFIE FOR FUCK’S SAKE. What the fuck is in the SAT?

You can only hope by starting college they mean the dopey cunt had managed to get a job as a janitor there.

This, and the tale of the man who might lose a hand after an attempt to take a selfie with a rattlesnake came to a predictable conclusion are just some of the reasons why the west needs to put a contingency in place where Trump wins but isn’t allowed access to the launch codes.

Mind you, it’s an oval office so they could just tell him that they are in an envelope in the corner….

Until next time, eat your greens.