36. It’s Not The Despair……

I was honestly going to do something poignant about Robin Williams, forceful about Vicky Beeching, and hilarious about Gaza (it can be done, trust me). Instead, SOCCER.

Here’s your cut out and keep guide to the forthcoming season. Please feel free to keep it and abuse me about it come May.

I haven’t backed anyone yet, so if your team are crap it’s not my fault.

I’ve tried desperately to be impartial, but I’ve failed obviously…..

Placed in reverse order then…

20th Burnley
Probably the smallest budget in the division, no notable signings, and a small squad will mean that Sean Dyche is hampered fatally, despite his qualities. Seventeenth will be a miracle. I’ve been to Burnley. There are no miracles there.

19th Crystal Palace
No Pulis, no hope. Whoever comes in will have to deal with an interfering owner and a tiny budget. They will be fucked by Christmas anyway. The most pointless breakdown in a relationship since Kid temporarily fell out with Play.

18th Southampton
If you keep selling your best players it will eventually catch up to you. If you sell them all over one summer it will catch up to you a lot quicker. Koeman’s side will be neat and tidy and well coached, and the balance sheet will look stunning, but ultimately without their departed stars they are a championship squad, and will soon be there…

17th West Bromwich Albion
Again, not a great side by any stretch, but others will keep them up. Notoriously tight budgets might be tested if January rolls around and they are in trouble but they have fight and knowhow.

16th Queens Park Rangers
Car windows will be wound down, players will be talked up in the press and not picked, and Glenn Hoddle’s hair will be off the hook. They will do enough by being hard to beat at home, and beat enough worse sides than themselves to never trouble the relegation scorers. Won’t give two monkeys about the cups.

15th Swansea City
Will stay up because there are several worse sides than them. You’ve got to hope they stay brave and pass it, and with the other strugglers being so bad they might well be able to. Got to keep Bony fit and at the club though.

14th West Ham United
Won’t be relegated, and where they end up will be decided if they are ok in November. Allardyce has given up trying to win the fans round with football so will live and die by his results, and if they aren’t up to snuff by Bonfire Night he might get his cards. And if THAT happens, well, you know the rest. Bit tough on them to start the season with a cup final though……

13th Leicester City
Looked impressive coming up, and Nigel Pearson has enough resources (unlike Burnley) to ensure they cling on and look to consolidate next season. Likely to be torture to watch but if they stay up their fans won’t care a jot.

12th Hull City
Almost pulled off the shock of the season to continue Arsenal’s trophy drought. If their chairman doesn’t continue to be bonkers and Bruce spends the Shane Long money wisely they will be solidly in midtable and safe from any relegation fears by March. Might have a pop at the League Cup too.

11th Newcastle United
Expectations will be sky high, results will not match them. Alan Pardew will argue with Ben Arfa then have to pick him as he’s their best player, or sell him at a huge loss to get him out of the dressing room. Shola Ameobi has finally left, and will have the same effect as the ravens leaving the tower. Dark times in Black And White Town…

10th Sunderland
Could be anything. If Conor Wickham becomes the player he showed glimpses of during last season’s climax they will give anyone a game. If Brown and O’Shea self-destruct as they often did early in the season they will be pushovers. Outside bet to finish higher than Newcastle, and to their hard core that will be a great season.

9th Aston Villa
Spent last season winning the games they were meant to, and losing the others but never disgracing themselves. Roy Keane may light a few fires under any slackers but lack of goals will mean they won’t threaten a Europa place.

8th Stoke City
Prettier to look at than Pulis’s side (not hard), Mark Hughes will be looking to push on from mid table safety. Sadly replying on Peter Crouch for consistent goals is foolhardy, and so their mid table mediocrity will only be leavened by the sight of their fans crowding round the Sky Sports News reporter on deadline day looking for all the world like extras in a The Hills Have Eyes remake.

7th Tottenham Hotspur
A drop of a place for Spurs, but only because of a resurgent United and the fact that for the 40th season in a row they are in a period of transition. Pochettino is credited with improving a lot of players at Southampton, so the White Hart Lane faithful will be hoping they have acquired the real star of their last twelve months, and he can make some use of £30m man Erik Lamela. Unlike the last two managers picking him would be a start. They are also desperate for the players purchased last summer to follow Christian Eriksen’s example and take to the Premier League. Should take the Europa League seriously. Won’t.

6th Everton
Expectations will be high at the School Of Science after securing Lukaku, but there is a reason Chelsea never trusted him, and if we find out what it is he might disappoint. The Europa League will test their squad depth too, and may ultimately hamstring their attempts to turn a creditable 5th into 4th.

5th Manchester United
Not in Europe so will be going all out to win the cups as compensation for their fans. van Gaal has too much to turn around to challenge even the Champions League places this season, and will hope his fans are patient and expect signs of progress and potential rather than trophies. Wayne Rooney as captain sets a dangerous precedent after his two transfer requests too…..

4th Arsenal
Will start well if managers keep quitting two days before they have to play them. Home for their first and last games, don’t leave London over the festive period, so their traditional luck remains. Sanchez could make the top four an easier target to achieve, but a paper thin squad and still fragile mentality will mean they are ten points off the pace by Valentine’s Day.
3rd Liverpool
I’m afraid they still haven’t convinced me that their defence is tight enough to win the league, but the loss of Suarez is something I think they can deal with by other players stepping up. Sturridge gets a lot of stick but I think he will be OK without his partner from last term. Cup squads will be interesting now they are back in Europe too.

2nd Chelsea
Lack of goals cost them last season, and if Diego Costa doesn’t fire it will again. Will be massively hard to beat, incredibly boring, but ruthlessly efficient. And Mourinho will sicken everyone with his antics, but idiots in the media will call him a character.

CHAMPIONS Manchester City
Quite simply they won the league by outlasting their rivals. If they can keep Aguero fit they will be too strong and powerful and have too many goals in them to cope with. They might even have a proper go at the Champions League as well. The ones to beat again.

35. Poop Du Monde

 

And so the world game’s showpiece occasion is over. Despite Sky’s blanket coverage of the world game, meaning that the air of mystery surrounding a lot of the more exotic nations has been stripped away (wasn’t it just more fun when people like Socrates were rare unexposed commodities, like tiny shorted unicorns in the summer sun, only visible every four years?) the 2014 tournament produced its usual mix of sublime skill, lurid headlines, blossoming talents, beautiful Italian kits and tracksuits, diving, cheating, epic shithousing, and English embarrassment.

Players have gone back to their clubs, the lucky ones who were at the big show allowed an extra week off to recover before the grind of pointless five mile runs and pretending to feel some kind of connection with a twelve year old kid from Kuala Lumpur on a tour set up to sell mugs and key rings to subsidise their wages.

Some of these players are genuine superstars, giants of the game and part of every highlight reel worth its salt.

We’re interested in the others.

You’ve seen them, mainly in England but occasionally not. Fucking carthorses wheezing their way around club football making a holy show of themselves. Next thing you know you’re staring slack jawed and astonished as they line up for the anthems, and you’re left grumbling at the injustice of the world which sees them representing their country at the biggest single sport event in the world, while you’re limited to fitting an angry wank in between the 9 o’clock and 11 o’clock games. (Don’t lie to me, we both know…)

And so, without further ado here is the definitive What The Fuck Were They Doing At The World Cup? XI, and is of course dedicated to the likes of Gareth Bale….

 Goalkeeper

 Stipe Pletikosa (Country: Your Nan’s Tablecloth)

 A player so bad he couldn’t compete for a place at Spurs when Gomes was chucking every other shot in his own fucking net. Retired after the tournament, presumably out of embarrassment.

 Defence

 Sergio Ramos (Tippy Tappy Shite)

 *sigh* Look, I know I’m going to be alone in this, but here goes. I don’t care that he’s won the lot for club and country, and has over 100 caps. He’s a two bob walking red card Hackney Marshes cunt. There, I said it.

  

Philippe Senderos (Bank Account? What Bank Account?)

 Swiss cheese turns quicker than this donkey. You marvelled at how terrible he was, then added to the mirth by remembering he was shown the door by the footballing powerhouse of Fulham.

 Sebastian Coates (Monty Video)

 A defender so poor even Brendan Rodgers caught on and shipped him out. And kept Sakho.

 Mamadou Sakho (We Take August Off)

 Well will you look at that! A man with the positional sense and passing ability of a robot hoover, he is to building from the back what Lady Gaga is to speedway. If Liverpool don’t replace Suarez properly you will be hearing a lot more about this chap…

 Midfield

 Lukas Podolski (No, YOU Bombed OUR Chip Shops)

 Until we witnessed his embarrassing celebrations having done fuck all at the end of the final we all thought David May had set an impossibly high bar in that treble winning season. Put it this way, Ozil was shit all tournament and they still barely gave this cunt a kick. Selfie taking shitcunt.

 

Victor Moses (Fuck Football; Where Are Those Girls?)

 Charged about like a dog chasing a balloon for Palace. Then won the footballers’ lottery by being paid to do the same for Chelsea and Liverpool. He is so poor a player that he beat out Shola Ameobi, Peter Odemwinge, and John Obi Mikel as I can only have one player per country. Yeah.

 Marouane Fellaini (Um Bongo Um Bongo We Used To Run The Congo)

 With their midfield there really was no excuse to even take him. A one trick pony, and no one wants to see the trick any more. How bad? He beat Nacer Chadli to this spot. Indeed.

 Attack

 Danny Welbeck (A Triumph Of Nostalgia And A Cloud Of Bullshit Over Actual Ability)

 Every Man United fan remembers that iconic moment when Robin van Persie flew through the air and scored the headed goal of the tournament, culminating in a celebration that incorporated a low five with his club boss to be, Louis van Gaal. Sadly for them they also have to remember the crushing sense o0f dread they felt when they worked out that that pair of Dutch masters would have to work with this fucking useless lump. Strode about the world stage embarrassingly, like Emile Heskey in a Kid And Play wig. Absolute fucking toilet. Will win fifty caps.

 Georgios Samaras (We Invented Being Gay)

 Atrocious for City before they struck oil, has spent several seasons at Celtic winning trophies, which is like Stephen Hawking winning The Quiet Game in a power cut. Does have nice hair mind you…

Fred (Hipster Mecca)

 Booed off by his adoring fans after perfecting his impression of that Make A Wish kid who played for Seattle the other day. Has since retired from international football to go back to his first love, playing rhythm guitar for Daryl Hall.

Honourable Mentions

Respect must be paid to the towering football talents only good enough for the bench too. Arguably these are even shitter I suppose….

Alex Song (Nenge Mboko XI)

Martin Demichelis (They’re Called The Malvinas)

Saloman Kalou (We Speak French Because Of Colonialism, Not Because We’re Cool)

Jozy Altidore (We’ve Bombed Everybody’s Chip Shops)

Leroy Fer (She’s In The Attic)

So that’s it, a festival to bring the world together, and celebrate people’s differences and embrace them. Next up, 2018 and 2022 in illegal-to-be-gay Russia and Qatar.

See you then….

 

Assault On Blog 13

Absolutely No Surprise Surprise

It was a sad month for tv fans. We said goodbye to a show that has had viewers captivated over many seasons. Right up until the end we had no idea how the main protagonist’s fate would play out. Would he die? Was it all a dream? Had he been dead all along?

The final episode tied up all the loose ends, leaving the viewers mourning its loss, but also satisfied about the resolution the creators had decided on.

Burn Notice is going to be hard to replace.

But don’t despair people, just when you thought you’d have  a hole in your life that couldn’t be filled the good people at the BBC have stepped into the breach with an example of what makes British tv the edgy envy of the world. Led Astray is a new sitcom starring new young hotshot actors Cilla Black and Paul O’Grady. It’s written by the explosive duo Lawrence Marks and Maurice Gran, who gave the world the gloriously lo fi punk rock classics Goodnight Sweetheart and Birds Of A Feather.

Don’t worry about Breaking Bad. That’s just some guff about a teacher who decides to glorify drugs rather than do his chemo. This is the stuff. The pilot is recording on 31st October at Elstree Film Studios.

Be there, or stay at home eating Werthers Originals and watching Doc Martin. Your call.

 Leaving Las Vegas (in an air ambulance)

 Nice to see rumours surface of a fight between Amir Khan and Floyd Mayweather in May 2014, providing he wins his next fight. People are wondering why this fight suddenly became viable on October 1^st. Well the answer is Obamacare, because now, when Mayweather pans his fucking head in, Khan can get patched up on the cheap and still keep enough of his purse to make the fight worthwhile.

 Open The Door, Get On The Floor, Everybody Wank The Dinosaur

 Buzzfeed featured an article on Christie Sims, an author of what can only be described as Soft Dinosaur Porn. (essentially young nubile virgins get ‘taken’ by various extras from Jurassic Park. (Not Richard Attenborough; that would be weird.) “It’s only when the pterodactyl begins pecking off her clothes, leaving her naked, that she thinks he might have other ideas….”).

One of the synopses of her books mentions that a T-Rex was psychic. This simply cannot be true. If it was Marc Bolan would’ve seen the tree coming.*

I stopped reading it there and then. Credibility is vital, I think you’ll agree. otherwise what is Leveson all about?

 About A Goy

 The Metropolitan Police have stoked up the atmosphere before Sunday’s Clash between Tottenham and West Ham. They’ve warned both sets of fans that to sing songs that include the Y word is risking arrest. They declined to comment on speculation about where they will detain 36,000 fans celebrating if Jermain Defoe scores, and West Ham  have angrily denied they will use the game to unveil a new third kit featuring a black shirt and sponsorship by the Daily Mail…..

 “This One’s Called ‘Streets Of London'”

 John McCririck has expressed his delight at the tribunal into his sacking by Channel Four finally starting. Unfortunately he has said he is betting his house on a successful outcome. Given his history as a failed bookmaker and warned off gambler I imagine The Booby is preparing for life in a bedsit in Homerton as we speak….

 Jumpin’ Jack’s Ash

 Jack Wilshere has attempted to head off the furore over being photographed smoking by Tweeting a picture of Zinedine Zidane relaxing with a gasper. It’s a fair comparison really. I mean, look at what they’ve both achieved for a start. ZZ has won the World Cup, the Champions League, and world player of the year and Wilshere has won a fight outside a club with the help of five of his mates.

 Deadly In The Box

 Manchester United are set to loan out young star Wilfred Zaha. The winger, signed recently from Crystal Palace, is said to be devastated. Apparently he was certain he would be able to score again if he stayed……

Next time: several apologies no doubt, plus some pillock will have wound me up. You know the drill…..

*HIYA GERRY